on graduating and passage of time

listening to ABBA as i process graduating from NYUAD. but to be able to feel this much grief is a symbol of how much love you had. tears upon tears.

There are vases of flowers in my suite that each marked a different milestone for the various suitemates. Flowers for our capstone defenses. Flowers for a piano recital. Flowers for graduation. The flowers were once vivid and bright, that day when one of us thoughtfully went to Mysk to pick out flowers to celebrate another.

Some of those flowers have begun to die, their stems browning, their once-bright petals turning muted. The only flowers that are alive today are the flowers I received for my graduation. They too, will die in time.

Present

College ended on a random Thursday, or so they say. But it wasn’t a random Thursday, was it? We’ve been counting down since T-100 for a long time now. A hundred days is a long time until it is in the past, and now the countdown has ended. What happens now as we count up the days from our graduation?

Three days after graduation, the absences in my heart still feel raw. The people may have left, but when just three days have passed, there remain seemingly ordinary objects with heavy memories attached to them. I don’t clean the sole dirty bowl in the sink, because it was the last bowl of instant ramen I made for a friend before they left. There are multiple toothbrushes in my bathroom, though I am the only one left using this bathroom. On my desk sits a plethora of ornaments from all over — gifts from friends who once thought of me even from afar.

What would happen in three weeks time? I would’ve washed up that bowl by then. Maybe even throw out the other toothbrushes. When I move out, I might not be able to carry all those gifts with me. In time, the physical memories of people that are once so dear to me will begin to fade away. Time heals all wounds, but it never said how. To heal from losing the people that filled your heart is to force them to occupy smaller pieces of your heart. It’s to lose the intensity of how much you loved their presence, until it becomes a memory, a line in a journal, a photograph, as the friends that were once your everything begin to be filled by other people in your life.

In T+100 days, NYU Abu Dhabi may be a distant memory despite how intensely I might feel about it today. I may be weighed down by grief my entire life, but the burden will only grow lighter from today. As jagged and sharp as the emotions that my heart is feeling now, I know that time will smoothen out even the strongest emotions. But the flipside of grief is love, and to forget grief is to forget how much love there once was.

Past

During the start of COVID, I was lonely. But I knew that a better life awaited me in the future. In my head, I drew an imaginary line in the future where my problems would cease to exist, and the presence of that imaginary line kept me going through a rather pathetic life at that time. That line was NYU Abu Dhabi, or more accurately, the first semester I would step foot on the campus. I don’t know where I can draw that line now.

I came here, lonely in a new city. But even back then, I already knew that I would be able to make many life-changing friendships throughout my college life. I’ve often heard from older people that college will be the best four years of my life, and I took that advice to heart — I’m glad, as I truly appreciated every single day I had here. I tried my best to warmly embrace every interaction I had with the people here with all the tenderness I could muster because I knew that I was looking at my past. From the moment I landed at NYU Abu Dhabi, I was already aware that in four years, I would have many painful goodbyes to say.

Yet, even armed with this knowledge of appreciating what you will have, it’s not enough. What is the point of recognizing it, knowing that it will end one day anyway? I wish I was ignorant of the ending because then I wouldn’t have dreaded this day so much. What’s the point of knowing if it doesn’t change the ending? I wanted to be rewarded with infinite time with my friends for knowing that I will miss them after graduation. I’ve counted down the ending since the first day I step foot in here. I’ve counted down since T-1300! It’s a large number, sure, but any number smaller than infinite will never be enough. At the very least, I wanted a million days to spend in the warmth of friendship! But that’s not how the world works, and all I can do is tearily say goodbye.

Epilogue

Though I may not know it yet, there are some friends I’ve already seen for the last time in this lifetime. I try to comfort myself by saying that there will always be new friends in the lives ahead of us, as we have not yet met all the people who will love us. Yet, I can’t help but care and yearn so deeply for all those I have loved and loved me in the past. There’s nothing more precious in this world than the human connections we’ve made along the way. To me, it really wasn’t about the journey or the destination, but the company we had with it.

I wonder sometimes what I would do differently if I was given the option to go back in time to experience college again. Would I even take that option? I would be terrified of doing anything differently! As much as I’d like to imagine all the mistakes I would fix and the different decisions I would’ve made, I’m happy with the relationships I have today, and I wouldn’t dare try to change a thing about it. Plus, I would not know how to interact with the past versions of my friends — they wouldn’t know then how much space I would have for them in my heart and how much I would grow to cherish them in the future!

I don’t know what the future holds. But all I have left are photographs and videos that are a fraction of what the real thing was. Journal entries that inadequately retell parts of the best days in my life. Photographs that will show up once a year in the ‘one year ago’ section of social media apps. Many memories that I will only lose with time.

Addendum

Someone asked me, ‘why haven’t we been closer in the past 4 years?’

This question haunted me. I didn’t know how to answer that question. I liked them as a person, and I enjoyed hanging out with them! Yet, we weren’t closer. But if not on this campus where everyone lives 10 minutes from each other, then when? It will only ever get harder to hang out from now on. Have I lost my best chance of being good friends with this person in this lifetime?

Someone wrote to me, ‘i remember a lot because we have been together for a lot.’

I’m afraid of change. Will I still be friends with people who meant so much to me for the rest of my life? People will change, both me and my friends. It’s not entirely implausible that we all change and grow in such different ways that we can no longer talk like we used to. At that point, the only mutual connection between us is our shared history. Will our shared history be enough for us to stay friends? Or will at one point your memory of a person be a better company than the person they are now?

Someone comforted me, ‘in the end, wasn’t it fun?’

It was! Despite all the regrets, hardships, and heartbreaks, I wouldn’t want to undo or change a single moment of it. At the time of writing, I’m still on campus doing PPTP. I’m not sure if that was the right choice, but I don't know where I'd rather be if not here. I don’t want to be back home. I don’t want to be on campus. I don’t want to be traveling. Where I want to be right now is not any physical space, but a temporal space of … the same place I am at, but one week ago. I just want to have some more time with my friends. Is that too much to ask for?

To all my friends and fellow NYU Abu Dhabi-ers reading this,

Goodbye! I love you! and most important of all, thank you for everything!
If we are ever in the same city ever again, let’s hang out! ^__^